How parents can shape sexuality | The Broken & Beloved Project
For a long time, I believed that sexuality meant being sexual with someone. I was never taught that pleasure and desire were good and normal to experience, and you didn’t need to give that much of yourself in order to be loved.
TW this blog discusses SA read with caution.
I was raised mostly with my mother. My mother was physically always there since she was disabled, yet she was emotionally checked out. Her childhood was nothing short of a nightmare leaving her shattered. Getting mental healthcare back then wasn’t as easy and due to some of her trauma, seeking help was terrifying in itself. Due to the type of abuse she suffered at the hands of men who were supposed to provide and protect her, she shut down and I don’t blame her.
She had a strong and deep-seated fear for men and never hesitated to make her fear known. Her view of men was very barbaric and still is if I am being completely transparent. (Love you, mom) When I was younger I asked her if she would ever date again, and or re-marry her response was always, “not while my kids are living in my house.” It would take me years before I understood why she was the way she was. Because of her fear of men, I never felt comfortable talking to her unless I absolutely had to about my body, and I always tried to hide my boyfriends from her as best as I could. I became very secretive and very promiscuous at the age of only nine or ten years old. Boy’s treated me differently and paid a lot of attention to me and my craving for that attention was almost insatiable for as long as I can remember.
Where was my dad? Well, my biological father was always in arms reach, I just never knew it. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t find out who my biological father was until 2019 thanks to Ancestry DNA. The father my mother told me about I only met twice. I met him when I was around five years old and then again at twelve. During my visit when I was twelve, my brother and I drove out to the chicken farm he worked on to visit him. As he and my brother talked, I raced down the aisles of chickens snapping pictures of them with my disposable camera. After a few minutes of us being there, a delivery had arrived and my brother had to move the vehicle so they could get in. As soon as he walked out of the door, my “dad” started speaking to me. I was immediately uncomfortable because he had never spoken a word to me. And now he was talking and walking towards me telling me that my mom and I should come and live with him. Before I knew it he had me backed into a wall and started to touch my body. I still had the disposable camera in my hand and began to charge up the flash as he continued to touch and as soon as the singing of my flash charge stopped, I whipped it in front of me and took a picture of him only inches from my face. The flash blinded him for a moment, which was all the time I needed to get to the door. As I made my way to the door, my brother came back in and I left and sat in the car to wait for him to finish visiting. As we drove back to my aunt’s house where we were staying, I shut down and didn’t really say much the rest of our visit. I knew that if I told my mom that she might do something awful to him and since this was only the second time I met him, I didn’t want to cause a scene.
I eventually told my mom what happened upon our return, however, after that, I never really felt like I owned my body or as though it was important to protect. I mean, my own father sure didn’t care to protect it. My body became my tool and opportunity to provide me with some type of connection and giving it away to men made me feel special and important until it didn’t. Either my partners would get what they wanted from me and would leave. Or I would find out well too late that my partner didn’t actually like who I was as a person and eventually they would leave, or I would after finding someone else that would give me the dopamine kick of attention.
What I have come to realize is that I never had the chance to learn that my sexuality belonged to me and did not require anyone else to have it. For a long time, I believed that sexuality meant being sexual with someone. I was never taught that pleasure and desire were good and normal to experience, and you didn’t need to give that much of yourself in order to be loved. I was taught that those desires would get me in trouble and get me hurt. I was taught that my body was free for the taking and didn’t require permission or respect. Slowly but surely, I started to embody that my sexuality was all I could offer and was all I was good for. It was one of the only ways I could captivate the attention of man and get a temporary quench to my thirst to be desired, wanted, and sought after.
During my childhood, my relationship with my sexuality was a confusing taboo subject. I found myself feeling ashamed and guilty for feeling or wanting attention. I had such a deep void of true attachment that anytime I did receive attention from men that weren’t sexual, I always felt pressure to give them my body so they would want to stay or so they would stay longer. I never believed that I was good enough without my body. And then after I became a Christian and a wife I learned that my body was now an obligation regardless of whether I wanted it to be or not because that’s what the Bible says, or does it?
If my childhood sounds anything like yours, I want you t know first that you are not alone. Secondly, I want you to know that you are not alone and that your sexuality, pleasure, and desires are not bad or shameful. That they are a gift and not to be given to anyone without your 100% yes. I want you to understand that you are valuable and worthy of love without the sacrifice of your body. If you are struggling with intimacy because you feel some sense of shame or that your body isn’t desirable, or you are being sexually intimate with a partner because you are afraid to hurt their feelings or you are being mean by saying no, please know that while this state of being is very familiar, it isn’t healthy for you to continue to live in this state. I am creating an intimate community with 33 women who want to reconnect with their bodies and restore their sexuality back to its rightful owner which is you. The Broken and Beloved Project was specifically designed to guide women in need of healing through a boudoir portrait experience and self-love coaching and I would love to have you join us. Your healing and reconnection will influence every relationship around you from your partner, your kids, your community and, your workplace. I declare that 2024 is the year you stop putting yourself on the back burner and care for yourself with as much attention and vigor as you do for your family, your friends, and your job. It’s time you start truly loving yourself beyond the hot bubble bath.
Science proves that our boudoir experience is an effective tool for healing | The Broken and Beloved Project
We can rewire our brains using tools like visualization, meditation, positive thoughts, experiences, and prayers to trigger and activate different genes in our bodies.
Over and over I would hear the same message, “this was so much more than a photo shoot, this was healing.” “This photoshoot did more for me than all the years I have spent in talk therapy” Even the women inquiring were doing so with “I want to feel good in my skin” “I want to love my body, but I can't, maybe you can help.” On very rare occasions would women inquire with “I want to celebrate.” Almost all of the women reaching out were looking to heal themselves. I recognized the pattern but was unable to explain how and why it worked until I read a book called, “It didn’t start with you'' by Mark Wolynn.
In his book he states, “Plastic change, caused by our experience,” says Doidge, “travels deep into the brain, and even into our genes, molding them as well.8 In his best-selling book “The Genie in Your Genes,” which reviews the research linking emotions and gene expression, Dr. Dawson Church describes how visualization, meditation, and focusing on positive thoughts, emotions, and prayers—what he calls internal epigenetic interventions—can activate genes and positively affect our health. “Filling our minds with positive images of wellbeing,” he says, “can produce an epigenetic environment that reinforces the healing process.”9 Wolynn, Mark. It Didn't Start with You (p. 51). Furthermore, he stated, “A life completely devoid of trauma, as we’re learning, is highly unlikely. Traumas do not sleep, even with death, but, rather, continue to look for the fertile ground of resolution in the children of the following generations. Fortunately, human beings are resilient and are capable of healing most types of trauma. This can happen at any time during our lives. We just need the right insights and tools.”
Wolynn, Mark. It Didn't Start with You (p. 52).
Let me use the only official degree I carry, one in applied science, to break down what all of that means for you. Essentially, we have the power to change our story. We can rewire our brains using tools like visualization, meditation, positive thoughts, experiences, and prayers to trigger and activate different genes in our bodies. Wolynn also states that trauma left unheard will continue to be expressed and passed down in the bloodline until someone takes the initiative to deal with and heal it.
He went on to share a study involving the offspring of stressed male mice conducted at Emory University School of Medicine in 2013,The research team would take these mice and administer an electrical shock each time they introduced them to the smell of cherry blossom. They then mated the mice and tested the offspring. This time they would only introduce the smell of cherry blossom and despite not being inflicted with the pain, the offspring still had a strong reaction. They then mated the offspring to produce grand pups and even in the next generation, they found that the cherry blossom smell still gave a negative reaction! Next the researchers began to work with these grand pups. They began introducing a positive experience along with the smell of cherry blossom. Over time, the negative reaction in the mice had stopped. Furthermore when they mated them again for the great grand pups or 4th generation and introduced them to the smell of cherry blossom they experienced no negative reaction at all.
After reading that study, everything clicked for me. I realized that this is precisely why my clients feel like they are healing. When it comes to connecting to our body, we all fight the demon I like to call the mirror. That one perspective prick that only lets you see one angle of yourself on repeat every day for most of your life and deceives you into thinking this is the only way you look to others around you. And if that wasn't enough, many of us are walking around with inherited and direct trauma markers of which we are completely unaware that make us feel broken. When in actuality we desire to be heard without fear of retaliation or abandonment.
Healing takes time, and most importantly it takes practice. In full transparency, I can’t run a portrait studio or business model separate from my healing journey. And my work is simply an extension of my life experience and self-healing. With each client journey I experience, I find a little more healing for myself. I found that the trauma, pain, and discomfort I experienced in my life brought me to this place. Like it or not, there is no separation between my identity and my impact on the people around me. My identity and existence are my impacts.
My calling to marry self-healing with and through intimate portrait experiences waited long enough. In 2021 it was time to finally give birth to this glorious mission, The Broken + Beloved Project. Where I get the opportunity to work intimately with 33 women on reclaiming their body and existence as their own again. This project is not for the faint of heart. It’s for women who are ready to make significant shifts and to deal with their limiting beliefs. It will push you, it will shake you and it will completely unravel you back into the person you have always been and may have lost sight of. If you have lost yourself, let this project be your map home.
Apply today for our 2025 project while $500 scholarships are still available!!!
Up Next: How my parents shaped my sexuality.
My “Stranger Things” experience | The Broken + Beloved Project
Many clients will thank me for their healing, and while I am grateful for their appreciation, they must understand that they did all of the heavy lifting. They were the ones that made an effort to show up for themselves. I can provide a safe and nurturing experience for my clients, but ultimately, they have to want this for themselves consciously. So many obstacles stand in their way, from finances to a lack of support, shame, guilt, and little to no self-worth. Saying yes to ourselves and accepting responsibility to care for ourselves the same as we care for our loved ones is a radical decision, and it takes so much courage and strength.
I want to tell you that this blog may evoke some triggers in readers who have experienced assault or abuse. Please read with caution.
Have you ever watched Stranger Things? There was a part in the second series where the main character, Will, kept having these nightmares where he was running away from this dark and very frightening black force they called "The Mind Flayer." As Will explained this terror to his mother's boyfriend Bob, Bob gave him solid advice. He said, "confront the monster, and he will go away." However, (spoiler alert) that is not what the Mind Flayer did. Instead, the Mind Flayer penetrated Will's body like a virus. It took control of him. Later in the story, Will's mother Joyce discovered that heat caused extreme discomfort and pain in the Mind Flayer. Eventually, they heated Will hot enough that the Mind Flayer darted out of his body like a bat out of hell. Will was finally himself again.
Those two powerful scenes in the second series of Stranger Things are the closest description I have to how Shania's photoshoot felt. Shania deeply desired to use her portrait experience to tell her story, but someone would come to protect her this time. She wanted to dip into her broken past so the images could speak and rewrite her story. She, like Will, wanted to face her monster head-on. My stylist and I overdid her makeup. We wrote words that she was called and left handprints on the places of her body that people touched without consent.
Before we could progress to the protection, Shania needed a healthy space to release her anger. I told her to let it all out that I could take it. Shania sat there for a moment holding herself in a pause. All at once, she released the most ear-piercing scream I had ever heard. A cry as intense as that of Will painfully removing from his body the Mind Flayer. As terrifying as it was, it was a relief knowing it was no longer inside this young, beautiful woman. Once she released this scream, her energy changed. The typical anxious and overwhelmed Shania was calm. My intuition told me whatever she was holding on to was now gone. She was ready, and it was time to move her into her true self.
I grabbed a bucket of warm water and a washcloth and washed away everything. I wiped away the extra makeup, the depreciating words, and the handprints we made on Shania's body. I embraced her for a moment and reinforced that she was safe now. We changed her outfit from black and dark to white and bright. I wanted to let her do what was innate to her, and we gave her space to dance. Shania quickly lit up the room with her movement and laughter, and we all felt the relief she was now experiencing.
Shania took a pivot on her path after her photoshoot. She continued to be curious about healing and began digging into even more support resources to help her through her journey. Today, Shania is using her broken past to paint a brighter future for kids in our community as a foster mother. I couldn't be more excited for her in this season of life.
Shania Today
Shania Today
Many clients will thank me for their healing, and while I am grateful for their appreciation, they must understand that they did all of the heavy lifting. They were the ones that made an effort to show up for themselves. I can provide a safe and nurturing experience for my clients, but ultimately, they have to want this for themselves consciously. So many obstacles stand in their way, from finances to a lack of support, shame, guilt, and little to no self-worth. Saying yes to ourselves and accepting responsibility to care for ourselves the same as we care for our loved ones is a radical decision, and it takes so much courage and strength.
If you struggle to say yes to yourself, our 2023 broken and beloved project would be an excellent fit for you.
Click the button below to learn more and apply!
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Portraits have the power to foster self-healing | The Broken & Beloved Project
“I lost my smile, and I heard you were the one that helped them come back.” I sat there with a melted heart, tears in my eyes, and a lump in my throat as I read that email. I was delighted to know that word was getting out there that if women wanted to be seen and understood, it was me who they should come to.
“I lost my smile, and I heard you were the one that helped them come back.” I sat there with a melted heart, tears in my eyes, and a lump in my throat as I read that email. I was delighted to know that word was getting out there that if women wanted to be seen and understood, it was me who they should come to.
When Shania came into the studio for consultation over three years ago, I found out she had lost a job she loved and instead of continuing my pitch to book a photoshoot for her, I offered her the opportunity to be my assistant. I had been looking for an assistant and based on the long conversation we had, I knew that she had the people skills needed for the job based on her energy and boldness to show up for herself, despite being at her lowest of lows.
Shania fit right in and was learning quickly. She was great with all the family and branding sessions, but when it came to her first boudoir session, she froze. I could sense her fear and how uncomfortable she was. She pushed through, but when we went to lunch that day I asked her more about her intense response. She opened up to me about her past and how traumatic it was for her, especially for her sexuality and how she viewed it in general. Her knee-jerk reaction to being present at the boudoir shoot was fear and anxiety. After hearing her story, I immediately relieved her of having to assist me for those sessions, but she said, “No, I want to do a shoot like that someday. I think it will help me heal what was broken and taken from me.” I looked at her with complete understanding and comfort because I too had a story, and she had no idea that photography was one of the biggest tools I used on my self-healing journey and I too had yet to make that connection.
Up Next: Hear about how Shania’s Shoot helped change the course of her life.