Today is March 17, 2020 but time seems to be standing still nowadays.

I was laying in bed Sunday afternoon unable to contain my tears anymore. I was weeping for so many reasons. The unforeseen future of my friends in the hospitals and what their life may be like, my friends who are unable to work due to their kids being home from school and not having enough savings to get by. I wept for my grandfather who is not able to see his wife who has dementia in the nursing home and she doesn’t understand why he can’t be there, so she is refusing to eat much of anything. I wept because seniors in high school and college won’t even be able to finish out what they worked so hard for and spend time hanging out with their friends. I wept because so many businesses and my friends are going to be hurting financially and not only that, the overwhelming presence of everything you worked so hard for is coming apart at the seams. I wept because I LOVE people. I love embracing them, connecting to them and I also wept because now, I have to deal with everything that I have been using work as an excuse to not deal with. My husband came in to check on me because frankly, I rarely get “depressed” or super “sad.” And when I do, it usually doesn’t last an entire twenty-four hours. I remember turning to him and saying, “Sleeping feels like only break I can get from this madness, because every time I wake up, I realize that this nightmare is still happening and I just can’t escape it.”

Being a workaholic is a coping mechanism for me. One that I get a little embarrassed to admit, but work and school have always been outlets for me to not have to worry about the “small stuff or to deal with trauma I have been through.” Now please, don’t get mad at me, but this whole COVID-19 is kinda my fault. You see, I have a prayer journal and in it I kept asking God to help me be okay with resting, with sitting still and sitting in silence long enough that I can actually hear Him. I had been feeling distant from my husband ever since we got back from our trip from New York and my patience with my kids was always on thin ice as I was trying to get caught up from the holidays. So I kept saying, “Lord give me the opportunity to really focus on where you need me.” I thought everything was finally going well, we had started a routine with our youngest in daycare and me getting to help my kids off to school and be home with them every night. I even started to set up some nice boundaries and started to say no a few times. (super hard for me to do that by the way). I guess God was like, “yeah um, the only way you are going to “stop” is if I shut down the world.” Whoops…. Be careful what you pray for?

This past weekend I had to go through a few stages of grief. Because to me, even if it is for the better of everyone, and probably the very thing that will make my family and marriage stronger, and it is an answered prayer when I truly look at it, it still feels like a loss for me. It feels like part of me is dying a bit as what once was will now be different for a while and perhaps maybe even indefinitely, who knows, only time can truly tell.

Now that I have had the time to go through some stages of grief; shock, denial, anger, bargaining and depression I am now into the stage of testing and acceptance, or finding realistic solutions and finding my way forward. I am choosing to embrace this with every ounce of me and doing everything I can to protect and save others around me by social distancing and working outside of my home only when necessary.

Yesterday, my husband and I packed up tons of my essentials from the studio and I got choked up as I turned off the lights and closed the doors, knowing I wouldn’t be able to come back until next month and maybe not even then, and I would now have to work from home. But I pushed forward, set up my space and today, I got the opportunity to connect with some of my clients and take a look at some photos we captured this weekend.

To me, this entire situation is an incredible gift of time. Time to reflect, time to embrace, time to finally take care of myself, my mental and spiritual health and create just for the heck of it.

Part of me is writing this blog to remember. To look back one day and just remember what I got through, the same way I always have. Today I feel calm and optimistic, because I know who is really in control, which actually relieves so much of the burden.

So what now you ask? I keep serving. Things look different, and I am choosing to focus on what I do have and not on what I don’t. I have my health, my husband, my daughters, my friends, my clients and my family and they are depending on me to keep showing up. My mission doesn’t change, my mission is to impact and inspire as many people as I can with my time here on earth. And I refuse to let this virus take away my joy.

So today, let me leave with some comfort. Let me share with you what I lean on, my personal life coach and therapist JC says this:

Matthew 11:28-30 

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Stay safe, stay healthy and stay sane!

xoxoxo,

Mary B