TW this blog discusses SA read with caution.

I was raised mostly with my mother. My mother was physically always there since she was disabled, yet she was emotionally checked out. Her childhood was nothing short of a nightmare leaving her shattered. Getting mental healthcare back then wasn’t as easy and due to some of her trauma, seeking help was terrifying in itself. Due to the type of abuse she suffered at the hands of men who were supposed to provide and protect her, she shut down and I don’t blame her. 

She had a strong and deep-seated fear for men and never hesitated to make her fear known. Her view of men was very barbaric and still is if I am being completely transparent. (Love you, mom) When I was younger I asked her if she would ever date again, and or re-marry her response was always, “not while my kids are living in my house.” It would take me years before I understood why she was the way she was. Because of her fear of men, I never felt comfortable talking to her unless I absolutely had to about my body, and I always tried to hide my boyfriends from her as best as I could. I became very secretive and very promiscuous at the age of only nine or ten years old. Boy’s treated me differently and paid a lot of attention to me and my craving for that attention was almost insatiable for as long as I can remember. 

Where was my dad? Well, my biological father was always in arms reach, I just never knew it. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t find out who my biological father was until 2019 thanks to Ancestry DNA. The father my mother told me about I only met twice. I met him when I was around five years old and then again at twelve. During my visit when I was twelve, my brother and I drove out to the chicken farm he worked on to visit him. As he and my brother talked, I raced down the aisles of chickens snapping pictures of them with my disposable camera. After a few minutes of us being there, a delivery had arrived and my brother had to move the vehicle so they could get in. As soon as he walked out of the door, my “dad” started speaking to me. I was immediately uncomfortable because he had never spoken a word to me. And now he was talking and walking towards me telling me that my mom and I should come and live with him. Before I knew it he had me backed into a wall and started to touch my body. I still had the disposable camera in my hand and began to charge up the flash as he continued to touch and as soon as the singing of my flash charge stopped, I whipped it in front of me and took a picture of him only inches from my face. The flash blinded him for a moment, which was all the time I needed to get to the door. As I made my way to the door, my brother came back in and I left and sat in the car to wait for him to finish visiting. As we drove back to my aunt’s house where we were staying, I shut down and didn’t really say much the rest of our visit. I knew that if I told my mom that she might do something awful to him and since this was only the second time I met him, I didn’t want to cause a scene. 

I eventually told my mom what happened upon our return, however, after that, I never really felt like I owned my body or as though it was important to protect. I mean, my own father sure didn’t care to protect it. My body became my tool and opportunity to provide me with some type of connection and giving it away to men made me feel special and important until it didn’t. Either my partners would get what they wanted from me and would leave. Or I would find out well too late that my partner didn’t actually like who I was as a person and eventually they would leave, or I would after finding someone else that would give me the dopamine kick of attention. 

What I have come to realize is that I never had the chance to learn that my sexuality belonged to me and did not require anyone else to have it.  For a long time, I believed that sexuality meant being sexual with someone. I was never taught that pleasure and desire were good and normal to experience, and you didn’t need to give that much of yourself in order to be loved. I was taught that those desires would get me in trouble and get me hurt. I was taught that my body was free for the taking and didn’t require permission or respect. Slowly but surely, I started to embody that my sexuality was all I could offer and was all I was good for. It was one of the only ways I could captivate the attention of man and get a temporary quench to my thirst to be desired, wanted, and sought after. 

During my childhood, my relationship with my sexuality was a confusing taboo subject. I found myself feeling ashamed and guilty for feeling or wanting attention. I had such a deep void of true attachment that anytime I did receive attention from men that weren’t sexual, I always felt pressure to give them my body so they would want to stay or so they would stay longer. I never believed that I was good enough without my body. And then after I became a Christian and a wife I learned that my body was now an obligation regardless of whether I wanted it to be or not because that’s what the Bible says, or does it?

If my childhood sounds anything like yours, I want you t know first that you are not alone. Secondly, I want you to know that you are not alone and that your sexuality, pleasure, and desires are not bad or shameful. That they are a gift and not to be given to anyone without your 100% yes. I want you to understand that you are valuable and worthy of love without the sacrifice of your body. If you are struggling with intimacy because you feel some sense of shame or that your body isn’t desirable, or you are being sexually intimate with a partner because you are afraid to hurt their feelings or you are being mean by saying no, please know that while this state of being is very familiar, it isn’t healthy for you to continue to live in this state. I am creating an intimate community with 33 women who want to reconnect with their bodies and restore their sexuality back to its rightful owner which is you. The Broken and Beloved Project was specifically designed to guide women in need of healing through a boudoir portrait experience and self-love coaching and I would love to have you join us. Your healing and reconnection will influence every relationship around you from your partner, your kids, your community and, your workplace. I declare that 2024 is the year you stop putting yourself on the back burner and care for yourself with as much attention and vigor as you do for your family, your friends, and your job. It’s time you start truly loving yourself beyond the hot bubble bath.